Blog of Andy Tiley, British sensational humorist and novelist creator of Recycling Jimmy from Kunati Books ISBN 9781601640130http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/Blog of Andy Tiley, British sensational humorist and novelist creator of Recycling Jimmy from Kunati Books ISBN 9781601640130en-US2008-08-28T13:41:28ZSquarespace Site Server v5.0.0 (http://www.squarespace.com/)Women must knit more.http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/women-must-knit-more.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-07-26T12:55:19Z Is it just me or are the UK streets starting to feel like no go areas for anyone who isn’t fully tooled up? And yes, I know that there’s always an element of ‘the good old days’ and ‘increased reporting of crime figures’ skewing our perspective on things but I can’t help feeling that, even accounting for these factors, things are definitely going down hill faster than Gordon Brown’s career. What I don’t get is the possible reason for this mess. However, surprise surprise, I do have a theory and it’s this; women have changed. Not only have women changed but quickly too, within one generation I’d say. Mum would never have gone to the pub on her own and left Dad at home to watch the kids. Neither would she have pilled up and spent all night away from the family. She certainly wouldn’t have got involved in any kind of drunken disorder outside the clubs and chippies, something that we see our women getting stuck into more and more these days. And by the way, I’m not talking specifically about my mum here, I’m talking about everyone’s mum (if like me, you’re around the forty mark). Admittedly these are extreme examples but in general it holds true that, somewhere during woman’s quest for equality, the family unit seems to have lost something. It’s fine to talk about discipline at school, respect for the police and the rest of it but fundamentally these principals should be learnt by kids at home. A home where mum plays her role, albeit different, alongside a dad. I don’t think a home where a mum blatantly and brashly competes for ‘equality’ is necessarily a good place. I don’t know about anyone else but in pretty much every successful family I’ve experienced there’s been clear delineation between mum and dad. I tell you something else too; it was traditionally always the mum who knitted the whole thing together. I think her abandoning that task in her quest to be treated like a man is a big mistake, one that’s helped further fray the edges of a UK society that now seems to be slowly unravelling.

]]>Why should we carry the weight of obesity?http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/why-should-we-carry-the-weight-of-obesity.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-07-22T20:01:52ZAs I’ve said before I smoke. Not easy these days, what with the concerted effort made by society to ostracise me, but I ignore the snide stares from mothers sat outside pubs (by the way love, babies and beer?..not a great idea is it?) and battle on. Of course, one of the oldest weapons deployed against me is the cost of smoking. Not only am I taxed to a point beyond reason but I’m also told that I’m a burden on the

tax system. Interesting double edged sword that. Let’s look at the facts. In 2006 about 100,000 people died of ‘smoking related’ disease; 40% cancer, 30% heart and 30% lung problems. Okay, point taken. In the same year the burden on the NHS to begrudgingly treat smokers was about 1.6 billion quid. Again, maybe this does justify the tax. Here’s some other facts and figures for the same year. 30,000 died from it. It cost the NHS £3 Billion. Any ideas? Well, it’s my cholesterol packed nemesis; the obese bloke sat with his double cream latte and stuffing doughnuts into his sugary gob whilst tutting his fat ass off because I’ve got the audacity to light up outside Starbucks. Where’s the justice? Why isn’t he paying 75% tax on burgers and chips and buckets of chicken?

]]>Dear Mt Gore...http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/dear-mt-gore.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-06-29T05:54:02ZSorry Al, but this global warming scare is beginning to look a bit suspicious. It’s not that I don’t understand the principal. In fact, I can remember a time when watching news clips of polar bears falling off ice sheets not only made me laugh but think too about maybe turning a couple of lights off. Not anymore. Trouble is, the whole thing is beginning to feel a bit too much of a con now, especially in the UK. It wasn’t too bad when all I was asked to do was take a tiny piece of the collective responsibility but it didn’t take long for the tax man to dive in and insist that I should have to pay to be green. Stinging me every time I get in the car or go on holiday isn’t going to save the planet. What it does do though is make me less inclined to borrow my neighbour’s horse, nip down the shops and buy a cloth sack full of low energy light bulbs. Any good will that may have been has long since evaporated and I’m at the point now where I’m happy to rip down my list of ‘things I should do to reduce my carbon footprint’ and turn the fridge back on. I’ll file it away I think, for future reference under ‘You had me there for a minute’ along with Y2K, WMD and denim flares.

Recycling Jimmy

]]>Plane common sense...diificult to come by these dayshttp://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/plane-common-sensediificult-to-come-by-these-days.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-06-13T10:18:36ZI travel quite a bit and so I was made up to get an Ipod touch for my birthday. Cool piece of kit too, and watching a couple of your favourite shows really helps you wade through the crap that comes with airports in a post 9/11 world. What I didn’t realise though is that an Ipod is a safety risk on a plane. Well, I assume it must be given the fact that I can’t watch it during take off and landing. Anyone know why? The phone thing is bad enough. A phone can’t make a plane crash. If it could, then they simply wouldn’t be allowed in the cabin and we’d have to stash them in the hold with the tubes of exploding toothpaste and cans of anthrax riddle deodorant wouldn’t we? But Ipods? These are even more inert than phones. They don’t do anything other than show pictures. So I asked.

‘In an emergency sir, you need to be aware of what is going on’ the air hostess said dismissively as she scanned aisle checking seat belts.

Er, excuse me love, but I think I’d notice if one of the engines blew up. What does she think will happen when the bloated business man in the window seat starts screaming and clambering over me to get to the emergency exit.

‘Okay mate, give me a minute. I just want to see the end of this.’

Don’t think so.

Recycling Jimmy ]]>Foreward Thinking..http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/foreward-thinking.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-06-05T14:58:35ZI know it’s not the usual stuff I post about. I also know that you’ll have read about this on countless other blogs but really, this is some achievement! To get any level of recognition is always rewarding but to be part of a brand that the ForeWord has named ‘the Independent Publisher of the Year’ is something worth shouting about. Innovative, fearless, Canadian; all great words used to describe a great publisher and I’m just glad that the hard work, dedication and talent that typifies Kunati has been recognised. Cool or what, and by the way, if you haven’t seen the trailer to Recycling Jimmy (trademark Kunati style) it’s a good laugh….except for the headshot of me drifting through where I look like an anaemic Dale Winton.

Recycling Jimmy

]]>I know it's wrong, but could you please leave my fags alone?http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/i-know-its-wrong-but-could-you-please-leave-my-fags-alone.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-05-31T13:16:31ZI smoke. Tried to give up but when I found myself rooting through the bin for a half finished pack I’d crumpled there 3 days before, I realised that it wasn’t happening. Not yet at least, although I’ll maybe have another go in a couple of years time. What I won’t do though is stop buying cigarettes because the manufacturers are forced to remove all the branding from them. How is this supposed to work anyway? Mind you, it will make the whole transaction a little weird.

‘Can I help you sir?’

Yes please, I‘d like to buy some cigarettes.’

‘Certainly sir, any particular kind?’

‘Erm, have you got any of those smoking is bad for your health one’s?’

‘’Fraid not sir, just sold the last packet to that very short man with the false beard and sunglasses. Have you tried the smoking whilst pregnant will damage your baby one’s sir? Very popular with the ladies.’

‘Not sure there’ll be to my taste, bit on the strong side. Just give us twenty smoking not only harms you but others around you. They sound a bit more sociable don’t you think?’

On a semi serious note, I’m a strong believer that your health and your mind are firmly linked. If there is even the slightest truth in this then surely plastering cigarette boxes with explicit descriptions of the illnesses you may contract is not very fair and I’d go as far as to say bordering on negligent.

On a very serious note, next time you’re in the shop kids, don’t buy fags, buy a book instead.

Recycling Jimmy

]]>How to make sure that the law continues to be an ass..http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/how-to-make-sure-that-the-law-continues-to-be-an-ass.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-05-26T16:38:43ZI’m all for looking after the little man and the UK ’s latest attempt at regulation will go some way toward this. Apparently, there’s going to be stricter guidelines and penalties to try and stop all that rip off sales pitch that we all fall for from time to time. You know the kind of stuff; closing down sales, tradesmen with qualifications bought off the internet, basic misrepresentation by twisting facts and making us believe that we’re getting a good deal. Trouble is, once again the powers that be have taken it one step too far because in this group they have lumped the fortune tellers and psychics. I’m not disputing that there may be charlatans out there (as there are in any business, let’s face it) but to begin a tarot reading with the words ‘there is no scientific basis for what I am about to do and this reading is for entertainment purposes only’ is simply wrong. Not only for the people who provide the service but for those who truly believe and often take comfort from being told that everything’s going to be fine and Uncle Joe is thinking about you from the other side. Miserable sods if you ask me. Why do they think they have the right to screw around with someone’s belief system just because they don’t buy it? Can’t wait to hear the Bishop of Durham’s next sermon;

‘Now before I pass the collection tray round I have to tell you that God is made up and what I’ve just said about that bloke coming back from the dead is probably total bollox too, although there was a beardy guy called Jesus and he was very nice apparently, so that’s good isn’t it. I’d like to add, that even if you do put money in the tray then the chances are that you won’t actually go to heaven. Not because you’re bad mind, but because there’s no such place. We made that up too. Can I have some money anyway? Amen’

Recycling Jimmy

]]>When politicians lose touch with reality....http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/when-politicians-lose-touch-with-reality.htmlAndy Tilley, author Recycling Jimmy2008-05-21T16:01:30ZNow I am not a political animal and indeed, if you’ve read Recycling Jimmy you could almost say that I’m politically incorrect (is that the opposite?) but that home secretary woman, Jacqui Smith, is enough to make the most apathetic of us get up and vote. Apart from the fact that she looks like that dancing lesbian, Ellen Degenerate, she talks crap. Today she stood up in front of the police federation and with complete contempt, told its members that the UK couldn’t afford a poxy 30 million quid to honour the pay deal that was, as far as I understand, a done deal. The joke is that on a day when Man Utd and Chelsea will field over 200 million pounds worth of ‘talent’, we tell the men and women who have vowed to protect us that they aren’t worth it. Shame on you Smith, although there was at least one moment of joy when during the q and a session she allowed herself to get backed in to a corner and actually said ‘yes’ when asked if she would change her decision subject to the outcome of a judicial review. I’m always banging on about politicians not giving direct answers but I never thought I’d hear one. It’s funny you know, now that I have, I can understand why good politicians never do it; yes’s and no’s sound rushed and ill considered from people who are meant to be clever enough to govern us. It’s up to you now judge, you could save me a walk to the polling station.

Recycling Jimmy

]]>This could be more important than books.....http://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/this-could-be-more-important-than-books.htmlAuthor Editing2008-05-15T13:39:17ZAnyone know when that big particle accelerator in Geneva is striking up? I think its due any time now and normally I’d look forward to it (just love all that mind blowing stuff that the geeks come up with from time to time) but on this occasion, hmmmm. See, normally I trust the scientists implicitly, almost blindly. If they say that embryo research is a good thing, then that’s fine. If a bloke in a white coat assures me that genetically modified crops are safe, I’ll be the first to munch his plums. My problem with the CERN project is simply this; there’s a chance that it will destroy the planet. Okay, I know it’s a very small chance (like winning the lottery three times on the bounce) and I accept that the potential to expand man’s understanding of his existence is mouth watering but seriously, do these statements make the potential risk acceptable? Once the button’s pressed there is no going back. If the strangelet appears, then its game over and the scientists, the smug bastard collecting his winnings for the third Saturday in a row, me, you, everything; all gone when the experiment "spits out something that would convert our planet to a shrunken dense dead lump of something called 'strange matter." But surely, with even the smallest chance of bringing on armageddon the boffins will be taking precautions won’t they? Apparently not; schedule issues caused them to delete the low energy ‘test’ run from the program. “We’ll be starting up in May 2008, as always foreseen, and will commission the machine to full energy in one go,” said LHC Project Leader Lyn Evans. Well Mr Project leader, just ‘cos you’ve got a girls name doesn’t mean the rest of us are in a hurry to see if you’ll find the God particle or just God.

Recycling Jimmy

]]>The Laughing Policemanhttp://www.kunati.com/andy-tilley-blog/the-laughing-policeman.htmlAuthor Editing2008-05-08T08:20:15ZWhen you’re writing contemporary fiction it’s important to keep things…well, contemporary. Now at first glance this statement doesn’t seem like rocket science (or should that be shuttle science?) but keeping your book fresh ain’t as straight forward as you might think. Things change fast these days; slang, attitudes, society in general I guess and if you’re not careful it’s easy to work up a piece that you think is current and relevant only for it to become passé and clichéd before it hits the editors desk. Take one aspect of UK culture as an example: the good ol’ British bobby. Don’t get me wrong, I think the coppers do a cracking job but I was under the impression (I guess from the days when I was hanging on street corners) that their attitude, towards youth in particular, was still authoritative and one which demands respect. Apparently it isn’t. I was watching the box last night (camera crew following a various policemen going about their business in London) and was amazed at how naff community policing had become. Policemen chatting casually with gangs of under age drinkers on the very same streets they should be keeping safe. Policemen using words like ‘dude’ and ‘chill’ instead of ‘you’re nicked’. Policemen swearing and lighting cigarettes for 15 year old girls. And as the kids realised that these friendly, laughable policemen were more concerned with looking cool than doing their job, you could see the respect drain away. I’m just glad that I didn’t involve the coppers in the story line of Recycling Jimmy….I would have been so wide of the mark.

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