‘We shouldn’t be looking for alien life forms, we should be…yeah John, drop off and pick up outside the Big Mango, over…be keeping our heads down and hoping that they don’t find us. Sorry about the interference there.’
No science trickery, no super hypothesis, just plain old common sense. And let’s face it, if Hawkin is scared, shouldn’t we be scared too? After all, when the Daleks eventually find us, he already speaks the lingo. All he needs is a bin bag and some bottle tops and he’ll probably be okay.
]]>Here’s some examples of the type of things presented in it (and I stress ‘presented’ here; impartially without any spin).
Greenhouse ‘gases’ make up only 2% of the atmosphere, okay some of us might have know this. However, something that we are never told in public is that water vapour accounts for 95% of these; CO2 only 3.6%. Even better, when you look at how human activity contributes to ‘greenhouse gas’ levels, we actually only manage a pitiful 0.28%; the rest is down to volcanoes and cow farts.
It’s kind of a mute point anyway because regardless of whether you believe the CO2 number or not, there is in fact no clear relationship between CO2 and average global temperature. There never has been either.
‘But why are the polar bears dying then?’ I hear you cry. Well don’t worry people. Polar bear populations (with the exception of 2) are stable or increasing. Phew! And there’s more good news here too because contrary to what we’re told, the ice sheets are actually thickening in the interior of the two polar caps and only thinning at the edges. That’s why the current rate of sea level rise is the lowest recorded over the last 14,000 years.
The only thing that concerns me about the article (and you must read it!) is that it estimates 45% of the scientific community don’t accept the global warming position taken by the other half. What I want to know is, where the hell are these people because without them balancing the argument we’re just going to have to keep on not only taking this crap but paying for it too.
]]>"The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, "Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy !"
Any guesses? Well that was Mr Jerry Lewis supposedly making the world laugh. Okay, it’s taken out of context here and the gag may work better if delivered to a sultry Deano by a stumbling, stuttering clown, but still.
Staying with the money theme, the UK riposte is delivered here by Spike Milligan, one of our all time greats.
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
Granted, it isn’t side splitting but it is funny and it is clever. And let’s not forget, the man was officially insane.
Next up for the Yanks, and from roughly the same era, here’s Bob Hope, a smirkin’ an’ a grinnin’.
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom !"
Now I’m sorry and I don’t care who I offend here, but you can put as many exclamation marks as you want after that punchline and it ain’t ever gonna work. Compare this with the brilliance of a British Bob (Mr Monkhouse) who was an equally smarmy but oh so talented wit setting out at about the same time.
“People laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they’re not laughing now .”
Pure genius. But what gives the Brits a 2-0 half time lead here? Well, the difference between these gags is quite simply irony. At least I think it is although I must confess, I’ve never been too confident with the definition of this illusive concept. I mean, is it ironic that I’m basing a whole blog on something I can’t define? Who knows and what’s more who cares. Okay, I could argue that Gervaise’s supremely funny ‘reality’ TV show, The Office (and later The Extras), has led the way recently, but this is in only one genre. I also have to admit that his challenge has been met admirably by the likes of Reno 911 and Corner Gas (or is that Canadian??). As for the standard sit com format, for some time now we’ve had nothing to compete with the likes of Friends, Just Shoot Me and Fraser. Re-runs of Flowery Twats (still a mystery how Mr Cleese got that particular opening sequence of Fawlty Towers past the BBC censors) doesn’t count. So to me, for now at least, the game is up and looks to be heading toward a resounding American victory (and this before they even consider bringing on an offensive line lead by the likes of Futurama and the Simpsons).
The point I’m trying to get to here is this; if it’s true that once upon a time the US didn’t do irony, then they sure as hell do now. When you look at the wealth of high quality American comedy shows today, either popular comedy or niche, the British are in danger of getting seriously left behind. As a novelist who deals in comedy writing (dark as it may be) and being fortunate to be published in the US, I find myself more and more looking west to get an appreciation of what people are really laughing at. I know too that if I don’t, it will be easy to lose touch with the latest trends and get set adrift in the mid-Atlantic with only fat Bernard to keep me company.
To quote Homer, "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"
]]>‘In an emergency sir, you need to be aware of what is going on’ the air hostess said dismissively as she scanned aisle checking seat belts.
Er, excuse me love, but I think I’d notice if one of the engines blew up. What does she think will happen when the bloated business man in the window seat starts screaming and clambering over me to get to the emergency exit.
‘Okay mate, give me a minute. I just want to see the end of this.’
Don’t think so.
Recycling Jimmy ]]>‘Can I help you sir?’
Yes please, I‘d like to buy some cigarettes.’
‘Certainly sir, any particular kind?’
‘Erm, have you got any of those smoking is bad for your health one’s?’
‘’Fraid not sir, just sold the last packet to that very short man with the false beard and sunglasses. Have you tried the smoking whilst pregnant will damage your baby one’s sir? Very popular with the ladies.’
‘Not sure there’ll be to my taste, bit on the strong side. Just give us twenty smoking not only harms you but others around you. They sound a bit more sociable don’t you think?’
On a semi serious note, I’m a strong believer that your health and your mind are firmly linked. If there is even the slightest truth in this then surely plastering cigarette boxes with explicit descriptions of the illnesses you may contract is not very fair and I’d go as far as to say bordering on negligent.
On a very serious note, next time you’re in the shop kids, don’t buy fags, buy a book instead.
]]>‘Now before I pass the collection tray round I have to tell you that God is made up and what I’ve just said about that bloke coming back from the dead is probably total bollox too, although there was a beardy guy called Jesus and he was very nice apparently, so that’s good isn’t it. I’d like to add, that even if you do put money in the tray then the chances are that you won’t actually go to heaven. Not because you’re bad mind, but because there’s no such place. We made that up too. Can I have some money anyway? Amen’
]]>